I Won't Go Back
by EvanescentBeauty
Summary: Lily gets wedding day jitters, but a sudden appearance of an old friend reminds her exactly why she can't go back.


Please look at the banner I made for this one-shot... I'm quite proud of it (remember to delete the spaces) -- http: /i114.photobucket. com/albums/ n244/jackSpArr0w2006/ wontgoback. png

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Lily touched her fingers to her hair, it's slightly painful shape set with a crusty shell of hairspray, and pins sticking out of God knows where. Her fingers ran down to her ears, where she fingered the small diamond earrings her mother had given her... then to her neck where strings of pearls laid against her chest. Her fingertips were like ice against her skin, and her body immediately shivered over a coat of goose pimples. She closed her eyes, showing off the large amount of eye shadow she had allowed to be applied before she made all her bridesmaids stop. Her hands trailed down her waist -- lingering only for a moment at her stomach -- then hung at her sides, and she stared at herself in the mirror. Here, in her mother's wedding dress, she looked most uncomfortable. The lines of lace and ribbons did not accent her curves well, and it made her look younger than she'd ever been. Her nails had been french-manicured, along with her toenails, which were now covered by small, white, beaded slippers. She sighed and stared at herself in the mirror.

Today was the day. The day when she, Lily Evans, would marry James Potter. _James Potter. _She sighed again.

Yes, it was true. James Potter was the prick... the arrogant, snot-faced troll of a boy, with balls bigger than brains . . . but then sometimes--when she was with him-- he was different. Somehow he changed. But then, they'd go out for dinner with one of his old school friends like Sirius, and he'd turn back into Prongs -- the immature teenager with the stupid nicknames and the idiotic inside jokes that always made Lily hate his guts. Now, it wasn't that she didn't love Sirius like a brother... he really was a nice man, but when he and James were together... good God, couldn't they be more mature?

She walked over to the window, where she saw outside, the beautiful rolling hills that were the scenery outside the small little church. The sun was setting over the last hill, shining its last golden lights over the grassy landscape and casting shadows over its beautiful green surface. Lily had always wanted to have a wedding on the coast at sunset, but now that Voldemort and his Death Eaters were on the loose, she knew that they couldn't afford to be outside, with a grand expensive wedding. The small, delicately-steepled church would have to do.

She walked back over to the vanity table and sat down on the stool. Brushing back both sides of her hair and twisting them over one shoulder, she looked back in the mirror and gasped. A tall, slim, dark-haired stranger was standing in the doorway. She yelped and whipped around, the stool clattering to the ground as she raised her wand.

"_Expelliarmus!" _she screamed.

_"Protego," _hissed the dark stranger cooly. Lily's spell was deflected easily. As the lights of their jinxes faded away, Lily saw for the first time who the intruder was. Her wand clattered to the floor.

"Severus..." she whispered. Her green eyes were wide. She stood up and backed up in the other direction. "What are you doing here?"

"Lily," he said softly. "I've missed you."

"You..." she whispered. "You've led him here..." she breathed. "You've come to turn us all in to him . . . James, and Sirius, and Lupin . . ."

"No!" cried Severus, his hands up. "Look!" He dropped his wand, and it met the fate of Lily's wand as it clattered to the ground and rolled a few feet down the slightly slanted floor. "Now, I am unarmed."

"So what!" she cried, picking up her own wand. "_You _don't need a wand! The only one who needs a wand is Voldemort!"

"Do not speak his name!" cried Severus, his eyes widening, horrified.

"I'll use his name whenever I please!" she hissed. "And since when do you care what I say?"

"I've always cared about you, Lily," he said. "I'm telling you now to not go through with this."

Lily paused for a moment, stunned slightly as she realized the reason he was here. Then, she laughed mirthlessly, disgusted. "And what, run off with you?"

Severus stiffened. "You don't love him," he sniffed quietly.

Lily's eyes shot sparks. "Who are you to tell me who I do and don't love?"

"I just know, Lily. I've known you since before you came to Hogwarts, and I can sense your every feeling, your every move--"

He drew closer still, his eyes hungry and desperate. It scared Lily more than anything she'd ever know. She backed up against the wall. There was nowhere else to run.

"You love me... don't you?" said Severus, his face inches from hers. He reached a hand up and brushed back her auburn hair.

"Stop it!" snapped Lily. "You're sick! Coming here, now, when you know that--" she froze. "Listen, if you've led him here, let him have his way with us all."

"No!" cried Severus. "I would never--! How could you think...?"

"You've changed, Sev," she whispered, and chills ran down his spine at the sound of his old nickname. "And not for the better."

"Lily, I've made a deal with Voldemort... he won't hurt you."

Lily drew back, disgusted.

"What?" she whispered.

"Come with me, Lily," he said. "We'll be safe -- together. I can give you protection that your precious Potter could never--"

"You mean your Dark Lord could give, not you," she hissed, her green eyes flashing. She had never felt such utter loathing and distaste for the man. "Don't act like you are still your own person, Severus. Once you're in Voldemort's service, you never come back. You're his now."

Severus's eyes flashed. "You're pregnant."

Lily drew back, a hand over her stomach instinctively. "That is neither here nor there," she said quietly.

"And it's not Potter's," said Severus, drawing closer.

Lily's fists clenched. "Of course it is. What do you think I am, some sort of whore?"

"Well, you wish it wasn't his," said Severus.

"What do you care?" she shouted, turning on him. "I'm marrying James because I love him."

"You're marrying him because it's the safe choice. Because in times like these, no woman ... no _pregnant _woman ... is safe alone."

"You bastard," she hissed. "Who are you to come here, on my wedding day!? You know why _I _think you're here? Hmm? You want to know what _I _think? I think you're jealous -- well, that's obvious, but the main point nonetheless. You're jealous that James Potter won my heart and you didn't."

She walked closer to him, her face taunting, and her voice dripping poison. _Wanting _to hurt him.

"You're angry that I chose James over you, when you were the one who told me all about Hogwarts in the first place... you're angry that I chose James -- the man who tortured you, my best friend -- over you. You're blinded by jealousy and greed, and you're frustrated with things you can't understand. " She drew closer still. "Well let me tell you something Severus Snape -- I never loved you! And I don't love you now!"

Severus grabbed her arm, and the short distance that had been created by Lily's threatening anger was erased as he pulled her towards him, and slammed her into the wall. His eyes glittered with fury.

"You pompous little ..." he snarled, his anger stopping him from saying anything more. Their eyes met for only a moment, and sparks flew.

"You do love me," said Severus. "Didn't you love me at all?"

Lily blinked, and swallowed firmly. "I never allowed myself that," she scoffed. She shoved him off and began arranging things on her vanity table, speaking matter-of-factly. "I was young. You were my best friend. And sometimes I thought we _could _have been... something more. But we live in two different worlds, now, Sev. There's no future for us. And frankly, there was no future then. I knew you had your little Death Eater friends, and I knew from the beginning they were bad news. I thought you would figure it out... if you wouldn't listen to _me, _maybe you'd find out for yourself, and come back for me. But you didn't."

She turned back around and stared at him. "And now, this is the situation you're stuck in."

Severus stood there, unmoving. "You mean... it's over?" he whispered.

"It was over a long time ago, Severus," she whispered. "Like I told you... there was a short window of time when you had a chance -- when _we _had a chance -- but you changed."

"I can't leave you, Lily. I can't leave knowing that . . . knowing that you'll be here with Potter. Marrying him... sleeping with him..." his face contorted painfully. "Bearing his _children..._"

Lily blinked. Never before had she heard Snape talk so passionately.

"Severus, please..."

"No!" cried Severus. "You don't love him!"

Silence rang out in the small room, and Lily looked down at her shoes. Her fingertips were so cold she could barely feel them, but her heart beat fast and hard, as though she had just run a race. James had never spoken to her like that... never shown her how much he truly loved her in such a territorial way.

"Get out, Sev."

"What?"

"My father will be coming soon to walk me down the aisle," said Lily coldly. "If they see you here, the reprocussions would be disastrous, and not only for me."

"I don't care!" cried Severus, standing up, and making towards her. She did not draw back like a kitten.

"Well, Voldemort _will_," she said swiftly. "Please leave."

"Lily...!"

"GET OUT, SNAPE!" she shouted, and she sent a curse flying at him that missed his face by inches and smashed into the window, glass shattering everywhere. Snape jumped out of the way, and made for the door.

"Don't come back!" shouted Lily, shooting curses at Snape's feet.

Snape fled out the door, his black robes swishing past him, leaving a momentary trail of where he had been standing moments ago. With shaking legs, she watched him from the door as he ran down the cobblestone pavement and into the soft grass, before Dissaparating with a pop. She slammed the door and let out a dry sob, the back of her hand to her forehead.

Damn him... damn that Snape! she hissed quietly to herself.

She couldn't allow herself to get sucked in by his haunting words... but oh, his words. They _would _haunt her... they would haunt her forever. She heard the door open, but somehow she knew it was not a stranger. It was her father. She felt his strong arms wrap around her and felt herself stand to her feet.

"It's alight, Lils," whispered her father. "It's time."

Lily looked up and wiped the tears from her eyes. She blinked and smiled at her father. He was right. It was time to marry James. She took a deep breath as she hooked her arm through his, and the doors to the church chamber opened.

"I won't go back," she whispered to herself. "Never look back."


End file.
